16 JunThoughts On Being “Dad”

I am the father of eight children. By today’s standards that is a lot. When people hear how many children I have they often ask me how I do it. That isn’t an easy question to answer. What I don’t tell them is I don’t know how I do it.

I didn’t plan on having eight children. When I was in high school I read “Cheaper By the Dozen.” I was impressed, not so much by the number of kids the family had, but by the family itself. I loved seeing the parent’s interactions with so many children. I was charmed by how the children took care of each other. Their organization intrigued me. Their sometimes-chaos delighted me. After reading the book I thought I might like to have twelve children.

Barbara and I never sat down and set a number of children to have. We had our three boys, two years apart. After the third it looked like we would have no more. I was a little disappointed, but soon became content with my three sons. After six years my wife started having babies again. We had three daughters and two more sons. After the seventh I agreed with my wife that we weren’t done yet. After the eighth it was clear to both of us that we were done. A household of ten it would be.

To answer the question of how do I do it let me just say, I just do it. What “it” is I don’t know. A good father does what he has to do. What he has to do is revealed from one moment to the next. In my experience what I’ve had to do is be there. My children take up a lot of my time. I say that like it is a negative thing. It isn’t. My children have become the reason for my time. When I was a child my dad gave me money to spend at the carnival. As a father I see that I have been granted “time” to spend with my children. There is no other valid way to spend this time.

Don’t think I am trying to portray myself as an angel. I sneak out to my office to write my books. On days that no children come to the shop with me I enjoy a deliciously quiet day. My wife and I slip out for quiet dates together. At all other times there are children present. When I am on the toilet there will be a knock at the door followed by, “Dad?” When I want to go to bed I sometimes have to push or pull kids from my bed. When I mow the lawn there will often be a kid waiting to side for a chance to get me to turn off the mower so they can talk to me.  When I am reading a book my daughter will interrupt to tell me the complete plot line of the book she is reading. When I come home from work there are three children waiting for me to take them to their young women’s and men’s meetings. When I am taking my shoes off the phone rings and kids need me to pick them up. When I cook I have to quadruple the recipe. It goes on and on.

Some books are more difficult than others. For instance, Moby Dick is impossible for some to get through. However, if read with care, the payout is amazing. Being the father and guardian to eight children is tough. The payout is amazing. Think of a person who has had an extended stay in foreign country. They come back with an experience that has enriched them in ways that those who have not been to another country can’t understand. The person who has extended stays in eight different countries has had eight such rich experiences. Each of my children is an unexplored country. The daily intimate moments I have with one are never the same as the intimate moments I have with another. Often the insights I experience while spending time with one of my children takes my breath away. This happens with eight different children. Yes, the responsibilities are heavy, but the payout is great.

My dad has five children. He lives in another state and I don’t get to see him often. I call him weekly. We chat over the phone as if we are sitting by his little fish pond. I love how he talks with me. It is as if I am his only child. Sometimes I am surprised to learn that he has spoken with one of my brothers or sisters earlier that day. “What?” I think. “You have Someone else in your life besides me?” Of course he does, and he makes them feel they are the only child in his world, just like me. I understand now that this isn’t something he tries to do. It’s the magic that is bestowed upon a man who is a good dad—he has infinite time, and love, for each child.

Of course this magic doesn’t always work flawlessly. Even fathers who are trying their best will disappoint their children one way or another. But just as fathers can love a child who is hating them through a period of difficult life, I’ve learned children will forgive a dad who is doing his best.

There is that moment when a child reaches adulthood and sees you for the first time as an equal. You are still “dad,” but you stand exposed. Everything you have ever done right or wrong as a dad is laid out bare. It is judgment day come early. I believe the judgment meted out is determined in a large part by how well you spent that “time” that was meant to be spent on your children. I am very grateful for my Dad. I am very grateful to be a Dad.